Can't seem to let you go...

I'm trying my utmost best not to face the reality that you're not by my side anymore, i really need divine intervention. If our lives are so short then why won't you let me love you... Please do not cite my race as a reason cause if you did really love me then i don't see a reason why what your parents think should change your feelings for me... I just wanna run back into yr arms dear girl, if you'd only know how much i wanna be by your side... Always reminiscing the times we've spent together... I've fallen so hard for you, that its so very hard to let go, i know you don't understand. Well i don't blame you.

I guess its my fault i should not have exposed my heart to you.. I won't make that same mistake again... I've kept my emotions in check for so long but you've made me so very vulnerable again... I 've sent you so many msgs only to be replied in your silence,which is quite painful if you don't know, what did i ever do to you to warrant such treatment? Don't i even deserve a bit of respect? I've never treated you badly or anything... I just made the mistake of loving you...

Maybe you don't see the point of replying my msgs, you probably think its better to keep quiet... But it hurts like hell, my heart aches... Everyday i pray that my phone rings and that your name appears on my display and that you tell me that you'll take me back...

Well have fun, you're probably seeing other guys anyway so have loads of fun ok... Wish i could step off this ledge and just forget but memories of you i just don't wanna let go...

My little darling.. Ain't she the cutest!!

Oh my god, this girl is like so cute... i'm in love with her.. haha : ] Well i'll just watch it to destress from now onwards... whenever i start to think to much this girl will be my life buoy... I dun't know her personally thou..

Happy deepavali

Well for those who do not know what deepavali is well don't ask me, for i always seem to stupefy. You could say that i've been celebrating this festival for 20++ years now but i don't really know what it actually signifies. Well let me think, its actually called the festival of lights and it signifies the defeat of good over evil, where a demon is slayed and so lamps are lit to celebrate this victory.. well i'm celebrating everyday here man, my lights are always on demonslayer, so well done dude.

But i dun really understand the concept here... well who gives a damn. Its not even a new year and i thought new years are supposed to be like the grand ones.. Cause according to the indian calender there is a certain date for the indian new year, just that i don't know when...

Anyway back to my life, i don't really believe in anything, so i just join in the merry making... by
right i'm a catholic cause of my dad but my mums a hindu... so where does that leave me? My mums the one that takes care of me and my 2 siblings as my parents are divorced and my dads run off after some bitch... I'm not really a firm believer of either but i won't say i'm a non believer... i just think that there is a godly being out there, so sometimes i just say a prayer to "god" whoever and wherever he is...

But like i say i just join in the merry making, anyway deepavali brings about the fact that you have to spend money on new clothes, groceries and bla bla bla... i wish i had money to give to my mum. i'm freaking 23 but i'm still living off her, i feel like a bum. I don't really take money from her i just ask for transportation allowance the rest comes from my part time job. One day i hope i can be financially free, so god i hope you read this : ]

Anyway my mum decided upon herself to get me clothes and mum i love you lots but please do not shop for me haha cause i think that all 4 pieces are quite bad.. well theres one thing i like to do is to don nice clothes and dress well... i know thats bad, guess its just the thing about looking good and fitting in...

anyway boring day... wanted to call her again.. haha yes my dear ms chai, still missing you baby... Like i said there are only 2 times that i've really cried and felt this way in my life one is when my dad left me and the other is when you left me... so i hope you know what you really mean to me cause i've never felt this way about a girl before...

Cruising speed...

Well things are picking up at school and i'm trying to keep myself occupied so that my mind does not wander off and start thinking about her... I guess i'm just trying to force myself into thinking that she'll be back someday, well will she? or is she already dating other guys? She said that she just wants to concentrate on her studies, well tell me who doesn't want to do well? I also want to do well and i believe that we can still be together and motivate each other on... But i guess you're just giving me excuses to break it off... Sorry to be dwelling on this, guess this is the only output for me...

Anyway as i said things are picking up in school and assignments are starting to find their way to me. I can say that i'm struggling a bit in maths.. well actually basically every subject... I need to buck up but i can say that i'm finding it difficult to motivate myself...

time to buck up....

How to keep your woman happy...

This is just an email i received from a friend, which i think is quite funny...

Check it out : Link

So it looks like my woman has left me due to my inability to follow some of these tips. :[

pour mon cher narcissus...

Baby you mean the world to me and i just can't see us apart...
and no matter what you do you're still holding on to my heart...
my world is about to collapse being built around you...
i have never needed anyone so much like the way i need you...

I want to be by your side in everything that you do...
cause i love you so, you know its true...
I just can't live without you, and i want you to know...
i need you like i have never needed anyone before...

P.S : je vous aimer toujours mon cher narcissus, veuillez revenir à moi...

Where is my angel?

They say there are angels everywhere.... So where is mine?

I could really do with an angel right about now, so god send me an angel. Send me someone to guide me and show me the way cause the roads that i'm walking are all winding, never ending and the lights are so blinding that i know not where i'm headed...

I'm just so lost and helpless and losing my strength, i'm trying to put on this brave front but i don't know if i can do this much longer. I just wanna run, keep on running, as far away as possible. A safe haven where i can just lie and forget about everything, but can i really forget? For whenever i'm alone i tend to think, if i can just wipe you out from my memory. Just like the movie, eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, but they still ended up together. I just want to run back into your arms and fall in love with you all over again, i wish you would just take me back... I really can't get it, all those times you whispered those words to me and you're just letting go just like that i don't know how you can do it... Unless it was all just not true, i'm just so hung up over you girl, you probably don't understand what i'm going through here.

So heavens above, i'm waiting for my angel...

Part-timing

Well Chef shawn's in the house... Started working part time in the kitchen at a restaurant at clarke quay. Its quite fun and i enjoy myself, i guess thats what you're looking for in a job. Whats even better is that i don't have to spend a cent on lunch or drinks.

Anyway been working for 2 days now and it has been a brand new experience. Basically i deal with the deserts and salads... And i do other stuff like fish and chips, oysters, calamari and stuff like that... The oysters were quite a challenge, i was struggling to get them open, but after a few struggles i finally mastered the technique.

Anyway i'm getting quite paranoid, i'm starting to imagine things.. Things like seeing you with other guys, i'm even having nightmares about it... God help me please, i just can't take this shit anymore...

Being a sentimental person that i am, i can help it but linger on your pictures that i have on my laptop. Wonderful moments captured in that instant, moments that will last forever. I'm just upset that we don't really have any pictures together. Thou i know having memories can be painful, i cherish the moments that i have spent with you... Unlike your apparent approach of choosing to forget the existence of a certain me.

You could say my tears are drying up now, thou i don't know if i can ever really forget. I really thought that you were the one that was meant for me and now you've left me and there seems to be nothing that i can say or do...

Self motivation..

Went for a motivational talk yesterday... It was called how to be a people magnet... Yeah you're probably thinking its to attract members of the opposite sex, well the talker did give a few tips thou haha. Anyway this guy is called Christian Chua and he's now 39 and has been financially free since the age of 29. For those of you who do not understand what this means, it actually means not having to work for another freaking day of your life again... Doesn't that sound great, especially in this day and time of singapore where we all just following one another into this so called routine of working and working but for wat? So we can have a better life?

Well i hope i can motivate myself more and be just like him. 1st and foremost i have to be more extrovert as i think i'm the type of person who likes to keep to myself and doesn't like to hang out in too crowded places... Well i guess i have to improve as a person and that theres alot of things out there for me too learn and improve myself in.

Mummy can i get a BMW Roadster pls

Well finally passed my driving!! Glad to have finally done so at least i don't have to do anymore driving lessons... Haha

Well i thought i was almost a certainty to fail again and find myself at the terminal booking my next test date. Thanks to Mr.Hong(the testor) again for his leniency and to my instructor Mr quek (driving instructor). Well i actually made more mistakes then the 1st test and i was thinking to myself, why the hell am i driving so badly... Stalled on the slope, drifted onto another lane while turning even had a fussy pedestrian who couldn't decide whether to cross the road or not, resulting in me having to do a sudden brake. Anyway its all over now and spent quite a bit...

probably abt 25 lessons, 3 circuits, 2 tests

25 lessons = 25*24 = S$600
3 circuits = S$180
2 tests = S$360
Total = S$1140

Man $1140 of which came from my own savings, from army days of course... Feeling quite broke now.. but well at least its over and now time to get a car haha... Mummy can i get a BMW Z4 M Roadster pls??

On my way...

Hmm i'm kinda moving on i guess, well kinda... Haha.. Anyway had a bit to drink and called her the other day and was hoping for a chance to get back together, but i guess she's stronger than me. I'll just let you be since thats what you want...

Anyway in view of a lighter note spent some time with the guys on sat, we went down to town and i finally got myself a pair of shoes, from beetlebug and had a 15% discount too thanks to Gang's uob debit card which had no money in it. Well it was tough fight between a shoe from zara and this shoe which i decided upon after much contemplation, probably much to the annoyance of ssfoo and gang. We even had to make a return trip back to wisma after i decided on that shoe...

Also sat down outside indochine and talked about stuff and also about ssfoo's dilemma with girls... Haha man don't worry... I'll be your hitch... Any problems just gimme a call.. Thou i'm feeling down now, i can always help you in that matter or at least hope to help... Well take care everyone, especially you my Narcissus...

suicidal dreams..

Arghh feeling so damn sian, its 5 o'clock now almost dinner time and i've not had a bite to eat since last night... I guess its just my ego... Kinda had an argument with mum.. well we didn't really argue but well i behaved like an arse. I'm feeling quite hungry now and i dun wanna go out and get something, that'll just be wasting my money... Ah feeling damn down, had a dream about committing suicide too.. Maybe death will bring some regrets to you for not having talked to me and ignoring me... Will it? will it be better off that way? Even mums not talking to me.. Noone is... Well i wonder if this suicidal tendencies will affect me.

Well so far i've been going on and on about how i've missed you and want you back. What have i done to be treated the way you are doing so right now? Even sending me and sms is hard now? waste of your time? i reallu dunno what to do? Am i to give up on you or come straight up to your house and ask your mum to let me love you, to give me a chance a look beyond whats on the outside? Is it reall your mum or is it just you, i'm starting to wonder? cause if its you i would have appreciated it if you were honest with me... I thought that the way we loved each other that we'll be together and i don't believe it if you tell me you don't love me anymore... Its all too abrupt and i'm just stuck here, in this chapter that just has no ending... I can't really close it, people say come on shawn, time to move on, you shouldn't have trouble getting a girl.. But whats the point? Even if she looks like you it wouldn't be the same... So tell me baby what shld i do?

Well i'm a catholic but i guess a not very good one at it, i've met a few catholics and asking them which church they go at they say they haven been to church a while maybe its just my generation. Well anyway people say they believe in the bible but do they really? i mean like have they really read the whole bible or do they just believe because its the right thing to do? Next time you see someone ask him/her if they believe in the bible and if he/ she says yes then ask them if they have read the whole bible, i guess they'd prob say no and so this brings me to the point that people believe in bible thou they have not read it...

So they're believeing in something that they have not even read... i guess its the right thing to do.

Its not that i don't believe in God or anything.. I do believe in him or her... I pray to him at times, but the problem is that sometimes people start to believe in God when they are in trouble, but right now i'm going through a bad patch i guess and i try to pray to him when i can.. We all should pray to god for guidance and protection no matter what religion we believe in..

A post for mum and guess who...

Juz wanna say that i love you mum, for everything that you've done for me... I know that i don't show it all the time but juz wanna say that i love you and hope i can make you proud by doing my best in my studies and what ever i choose to pursue in life and i know you're behind me all the way.

I wish you were here too exuan, by my side. Well what to do i guess you're like my favourite topic on this blog of mine. Don't even know if you've discovered it, well if you do i hope you know that i still do feel for you and i just want you back. I don't see why we can't be together... Just don't tell me its because of my race, i just don't accept that reason for i consider it to be so very lame. Well hoping you'll change your mind...

Been Puppeted..

Ah so how do i control this so called train of thought... As i sit down here in my room to study, my thoughts once again drift towards the girl whom i thought was to be mine and only mine... I'm angry, so very angry to think that one day another guy will hold her in his arms and love her like i do, and that i will never be able to feel her love again in my life thou i'm always hoping that one day she'll call me and tell me the words that i wanna hear so badly again, when i asked her if she loved me she said she did, if you can tell me that those words aren't painful then i know not what to say, for they still echo in my head... I still love her, i really do. Maybe for her it was a experiment kinda thingy, just for fun, i was her puppet to play hanging by those very strings that she the puppeteer controlled and now has decided to let go, cutting those strings off leaving me spineless and lying on the ground feeling so naked...

Everyday i think about you, i can't help it and i doubt i even cross her mind... I'm trying to keep myself occupied but times like these when you're alone you tend to think even more, thats when depression sets in... And i've no other output except for this blog...

Everywhere i think about you girl in classes, on the buses / trains, just everywhere...

Time to move on... soccer anybody?

Well i guess its about to time to stop bitching and moaning about my lovelife and to move on... I guess i'll just concentrate on my studies on prostitute myself around for now... If she doesn't wanna be with me and inore me then so be it.

Like they say there a lots of other gals out there and one day i'll hopefully find my very own special one... Haha, like Princess Aurora would put it, someday my prince will come, but in my case a princess. Well i dun need no princes in my life :]

Going for a game of soccer with some of my sim mates...
Anybody for a game of soccer... ??
<------

Take care
Homelessguy signing off..

Funny penalty kick...

Haha check tis video out... The loser in between the posts... Hhahaha

Gay boy?

Oh my god, how gay is this guy i literally had goose pimples chattin with him online... Well i guess i have to change his identity to protect him.. but man.... it gets awkward when a guy talks that way i guess...

Mr X says:

yo

shawn says:

yesh\

Mr X says:

saw your friendster

Mr X says:

u seemed really down

shawn says:

?

shawn says:

oh well

Mr X says:

cheer up dude

Mr X says:

life is full of uncertainty

Mr X says:

just have to take it a day at a time

shawn says:

Mr X says:

after many many years finally found Ms.X through ur account

shawn says:

haha

shawn says:

ok

Mr X says:

she still looks the same

shawn says:

isn;t tat gd?>

Mr X says:

she compliment u alot

shawn says:

huh?

shawn says:

on?

Mr X says:

she will stand by u wen u become a model

shawn says:

huh wat model?

Mr X says:

hugo boss

shawn says:

oh haha

shawn says:

testi huh?

Mr X says:

shawn seriously

shawn says:

she tok cock la

Mr X says:

i feel u got the looks to model

Mr X says:

at least got income

Mr X says:

serious

Mr X says:

chocolate hunk

shawn says:

haha ok Mr.X

Mr X says:

don get me

Mr X says:

not teasing u

shawn says:

yeah ok

shawn says:

heh