I love you Ryyan..

Ryyan Spenser
18/07/89 - 28/11/07

Well as some of you may know Ryyan has passed and its coming to a month since he left us... I miss my brother and i would like to say that i'm a pathetic elder brother as i was never there for him, never there to guide him or show him the way... He was a great boy with so much promise and yet he got lost along the way because of idiotic "friends" and now it has lead him to his final resting place... He's been cremated and his remains are in a urn at a church... its been placed in a niche...

i wonder how he is now.. for all the pain he has have been thru... i really hope he is in a better place now... Ryyan had multiple fractures; facial fractures, thigh and his right arm.. and he passed after his organs gave in.. but he was fighting for 10 days... why does god do this? make him suffer? The last thing he did was he had mum's permission before he left us.. My mum said to him"Ryyan if its very painful, then you don't have to suffer no more.. juz go.. we love you.." then his heart rate started to drop and the machines started to beep and he left us.. Somehow how rather i guess he can still hear us but his body was failing and there was nothing the doctors could do..

i prayed for him but i guess my prayers weren't really heard huh? So then tell me what's the point? Does he really hear you? I know it would be a bit contradicting.. If he gets well you would say that he would have gotten well anyways, forgetting God and if he doesn't you blame God..
Sigh so what am i supposed to do at this pt in time.. My life feels crappy.. i wish it was me in that coffin.. at least he and my youngest brother were closer.. i'm the odd one out.. he and my younger brother grew up together.. i'm just a selfish prick who thinks about himself...

My mum has to go through so much in a life, i wonder why he punishes her like that? Are these all just trials and tribulations of ones life? She has lost her husband and now her 2nd son.. so wats next for her God? why does he test us like that? Its just a game huh? the game of life....

I'm so far behind in studies.. i'm wondering whether to pull out.. now my ankle's busted and i dunno when it will be till i can walk again.. hopefully in a week or so.. i really dunno.. doctors say its a sprain but i sure doesn't feel like.. it feels like somethings broken or something..


Ryyan Spenser
18/07/89 - 28/11/07















Thats him on the right, prolly in primary sch.. I wish i can tell him how much he meant to me..
Well i hope you're in heaven smiling down on us bro, and when its my turn i hope you're there to open the gates for me... I'll always love you..