I love you Ryyan..

Ryyan Spenser
18/07/89 - 28/11/07

Well as some of you may know Ryyan has passed and its coming to a month since he left us... I miss my brother and i would like to say that i'm a pathetic elder brother as i was never there for him, never there to guide him or show him the way... He was a great boy with so much promise and yet he got lost along the way because of idiotic "friends" and now it has lead him to his final resting place... He's been cremated and his remains are in a urn at a church... its been placed in a niche...

i wonder how he is now.. for all the pain he has have been thru... i really hope he is in a better place now... Ryyan had multiple fractures; facial fractures, thigh and his right arm.. and he passed after his organs gave in.. but he was fighting for 10 days... why does god do this? make him suffer? The last thing he did was he had mum's permission before he left us.. My mum said to him"Ryyan if its very painful, then you don't have to suffer no more.. juz go.. we love you.." then his heart rate started to drop and the machines started to beep and he left us.. Somehow how rather i guess he can still hear us but his body was failing and there was nothing the doctors could do..

i prayed for him but i guess my prayers weren't really heard huh? So then tell me what's the point? Does he really hear you? I know it would be a bit contradicting.. If he gets well you would say that he would have gotten well anyways, forgetting God and if he doesn't you blame God..
Sigh so what am i supposed to do at this pt in time.. My life feels crappy.. i wish it was me in that coffin.. at least he and my youngest brother were closer.. i'm the odd one out.. he and my younger brother grew up together.. i'm just a selfish prick who thinks about himself...

My mum has to go through so much in a life, i wonder why he punishes her like that? Are these all just trials and tribulations of ones life? She has lost her husband and now her 2nd son.. so wats next for her God? why does he test us like that? Its just a game huh? the game of life....

I'm so far behind in studies.. i'm wondering whether to pull out.. now my ankle's busted and i dunno when it will be till i can walk again.. hopefully in a week or so.. i really dunno.. doctors say its a sprain but i sure doesn't feel like.. it feels like somethings broken or something..


Ryyan Spenser
18/07/89 - 28/11/07















Thats him on the right, prolly in primary sch.. I wish i can tell him how much he meant to me..
Well i hope you're in heaven smiling down on us bro, and when its my turn i hope you're there to open the gates for me... I'll always love you..

Ryyan is on the left... please pray for him..












Its gonna come to a week now and as i pen this entry my brother still lies unconscious in the hospital. It pains to see him in this state and i wish i could do more but theres nothing i can possibly do but pray... What did he do to deserve such pain? sometimes i can see tears in his eyes but i wonder if he can hear me or is it the pain he's going through.. i wanna share the load with him... please dear lord ease his suffering and pain, through your grace and will lead him back to us..

We lay in hope that he may awake yesterday but the doctors have sedated him again... His lungs have not been too good, and thou hes been getting better, the progress hasn't been exactly much but something is better than nothing. They might have to do surgery for his lungs n i hope that it wouldn't get to that stage, i'm praying that his lungs get better over this weekend, cause if not it could be a risky operation..

I love him so much if only i can tell him that.. I haven been talking to him either.. i've been so mad at him.. if only he would listen to me... what kinda friends would put someones life in danger.. hes probably the youngest in his stupid good for nothing group and now look at him.

everyones been giving support telling me to be strong for Ryyan and for my mum but how am i to do so? i have to be strong for everyone but what about myself.. ? i don't have an appetite and i can't sleep.. i know i look haggard and stuff but i don't really care what ppl think right now, its the least of my worries....

Another worry is that Ryyan hasn't exactly moved, thou when i was talking to him once i saw his eyelids move.. i hope he could hear me.. He has to be the strongest of them all and hold on and never let go..

i wish i could have been a better brother and i wish that i will get a another chance to be a good brother... i'm so sorry Ryyan that i couldn't be there for you when u needed me but you better get back home and give me that 2nd chance at being that brother..

Cant sleeepppp

And yet again i'm awake much earlier than required.. by required i mean i have classes at 12pm but here i am awake at 7am? but no excuses this time, cuz the weather has been really good, i would say its a heavy sleepers dream.. its been raining the past few nights and all the way thru to following morning.. and here i am staring at the raindrops as they land on this very concrete floor below me waiting to re-evaporate into the atmostphere.. Aww am i being overly melodramatic? haha... why i can't i sleeepppppppppp? and by the time it comes for me to get ready and leave for school, i'll start to feel tired.. Urgggggggghhhhhhh...

Normally i would blame the sun for bursting through my blinds, cause i don't really have curtains.. i just didn't like haveing curtains.. haha.. Maybe its time for some.. whilst i still can enjoy sleeping and waking up when i want to.. the next time i coould prolly do so is when i retire.. Well if the path of life allows me to get that far.. i certainly hope so... i haven even met the love of my life or maybe shes already left my life.. i guess i screwed up somewhere.. or maybe i screwed up all over the place.. i've been seeing so many mixed couples recently and it annoys me... well i wouldn't say annoy but i wonder why can't that be me... i loved her didn;t i? All those stupid feelings and emotions.. i realli don't wanna open up next time, time to bottle up and maybe be a jerk.. !

Just finished another movie.. Deja-vu, starring Denzel Washington well i think the movies not bad.. at least it helped me kill time.. but if theres a movie u wanna watch i think u guys shld catch.. 1408, i think its a really cool show.. Well till next time.. Adios..

Sex and its evilness... !

Well this post is about sex, sex and well sex.. so all those who squirm when it comes to sex and pretend to be innocent go away.....







"may include adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse or other elements"

Oh gosh its 3am and i feel so horny.. haha well thinking of all the pussy i could have had or should have had.. don't mean to disrespect any of the female friends i have, cuz i'm one who has the utmost respect for females, thou at times i'm not thinking straight or at least thinking with the wrong head as they would say.. Cant help it... hehe i'm guy aint i?

As much as i would like to say i've had been there done that.. i wouldn't say i'm slut or as some of you might refer to as a man-whore? As much as i wanna fuck around i can't seem too.. Why? I dunno?!? Apparently i'm not as promiscuous as i want to be because its a conscience thing according to someone i got to know recently.. and i think she might be right actually, well perhaps on a certain level.. well according to her, its because of the fact that i'm close with my mum that i have this deep respect for womankind... But can a guy really refuse sex? hehe

Well i can say i've fallen victim to sex and its evilness on a number of occasions.. Once it gets touchy feely and liquids are exchanged then it gets hard to turn back.. but i would say that i've backed out of sex a couple of times.. why? i dunno?

i mean its like i flirt with girls and you know when u watch the discovery channel and hey its the mating season and you see the male doing some mating call and when the female ermm.. agress? then we get to see some action but hey thats not obscene? Well its not like i can refuse a girl when shes on me and ready to get it on... but for the record i have! Anyway its hard to stop when u'r like "hard" but well... =]

Well so i've backed out on sexual encounters probably much to the dismay of guys out there.. who'd be wondering what? this guy gets a chance to get laid and hes backing out? Yeah i wonder why am i actually thinking in situations like that?

So like this are some occasions i've also backed out from..

1) Gal invites me to go to Bintan for a "break"

2) More direct approach from another was to ask me to go to a hotel with her..

3) Invitation to the house to watch dvds? Right i'm sure.. ok wait i'm sure dvds are no harm right? well theres the added info that noone will be home and that she'll be wearing a red thong..!

Somehow i get the feeling we wouldn't have been watchin dvds *chuckles*

Gosh its hard resisting..! I might just have to take the next offer that comes along.. =] So time for me to be the slut i always wanna be..!

Aloha peeps i'm back and posting like so soon again... anyway went for a birthday party last night.. well it wasn't the kinda party where u wld associate with chicks booze and sex.. haha more like one with lotsa kids, kids and more kids.. haha yes a kiddie party.. The daughter of me mums fren.. a family thats quite close to us...

For those of you who know me well you'll be glad to know that i met someone there last night.. And shes the cutest, and shes gonna be my gf.. Her names michelle.. Anyway heres the pics from the bdae last night.. and i'll point out michelle to you..! =]






Thats the Birthday gal...














And look at the adorable cupcakes!!! I managed to get 1 of the 3 choco cupcakes.. haha or at least what was left of it...








And thats michelle on the left.. The cutest gal at the party.. =]










Am i too old for her?? Sobss =[

Howdy..

Howdy ho bloggie and to all those who read my blog, including stalkers of this blog.. Cough cough..
Well schools been great so far, nice to be back in school ogling at girls... Glad to clear all my modules thou it wasn't exactly with flying colors.. i guess i shldn't be giving excuses, thou it hasn't exactly been a great yr for me..

Well it seems that i'm almost at that corner where i can put things behind me and move on, but you know me i'm not quite there yet.. i just need a kick up my ass to make me stop reminiscing on memories that drag me down.. i wonder why... How was it that i fell so deep? Got so emotionally attached to someone that it affected my life... So hopefully its a last sprint to that corner and hopefully i don't look back...

Looking forward to dating again, thou i hate the whole process... Ha ha. Thanks Ms Trophy for setting up that date or more like introducing her to me.. thou i don't really know if there would any chemistry between us for that part.. Well but shes hot and i kinda like talking to her so far... =] But i guess this is really the wrong timing with exams and assignments all coming up... I wonder if she'll like me...

So i don't wanna keep my hopes up... I guess just go with the flow, if things happen then they do...

Haha yeap and i would only refer to u as trophy cause i would always forget ur name.. hehe sorry.. I would like always go.. Ermm hey what's her name again?


And woo i finally got off my ass and exercised today.. waahaha but it was only a 3k run.. well my friend said "might as well dun run".... well i think its better than nothing... Slowly i would increase my mileage.. A few things i would wanna do in the next few years... Like complete another 21km and a full marathon.. maybe a triathlon or 2...

Anyway i think i need to get down to my studies.. i've been slacking too much.. so time to hit the books... til next time...

Mr Gorgeous

<---Hey Gorgeous Host "Lovely Fiona." Ooh la la.. Hot hot Its been a while my dear bloggie... Last night caught the episode of Hey gorgeous on channel U.. thou there were no subtitles to ease my misery.. it was quite interesting esp when jason was on the show for 2secs.. Well now that u'r a celeb do not forget me fren... Fiona Xie is hot as ever and i liked the chick with the permed hair.. she would have my vote.... =] Shes not the prettiest but i love her hair and her smile.. =] shes got a lovely smile.. haha Well i get to see in sch on occasions.. with that kinda funky hairdo its hard to not see her around, if u know what i mean... Anyway i find myself giving advice to people about love and relationships when i myself am like stuck in a hole... I lie to myself and to her that i'm much better but am i really? I find myself missing her so much... It really doesn't help to be strangers but i guess it would not help being friends either huh? Just wanna hold her again, to taste her sweet lips again.. sigh...when will all this feelings evaporate into thin air... I so wanna move on.. Thats what i tell myself but its not what I'm letting myself do.. I really felt that she was my soul mate.. but apparently she felt that relationships are meaningless... and that time is better spent chasing material possessions and furthering one's career and money making opportunities... Money is everything i guess.. perhaps if i was rich? Will it overshadow my race and gimme a better rate of being with her... Right now relationships all seem so transitory, everyones in a rs just for the sake of being in one.. to be able to feel special and loved.. and after a while it all gets boring and stuff but that was what normally happened i guessed but why was it so different for this gal? will i ever feel the same again for another girl? Only time will tell.. I've to get ready soon.. I'll be back soon bloggie.. Ciaoz.. I wonder if anyone reads my blog? haha take care everyone ... Mr Hey Gorgeous With 187 votes.. haha =] My Friend Jason with his 2 secs of fame..

Well i'm on the topic of love again... how boring right.. this fake commercialized 4 letter word...
Does it really exist? Its been on my mind and seeing one of my acquaintances nick on msn, i began to wonder again and the so called creative juices or whatever thats left off it began to mix around a bit and i began reminiscing times with her...

I remember how she used to tell me she loved me quite often and it was me who hesitated on replying because u wasn't sure.. and i don't tell a girl i love her unless i really do cause i know that girls happen to remember everything..!

Thou i did tell this one other girl that but it was not to bed her but she was my ex then and her grandfather was hospitalised and in a very serious condition so i told her not to worry and that i'm sure everything will be fine and told her at the very end that i loved her.. and i dunno why i said that cause maybe i wanted to give a sort of a assurance that things will be fine even thou we know not whats gonna happen, unfortunately her grandpa passed on. But anyway she brought it up when we were about to break up.. so see what i mean?

Anyway as for this girl, she was officially the 1st girl that i really felt what i thought was love...
So what it love anyway? anyone care to enlighten me?

I see it as just an illusion, the manifestation of the mind, makes you see someone as the person who completes you.. But is it strong? Well not really its suppose to surpass all boundaries but the very tiniest bump on this road and everything breaks down...

Ok i said i thought that i was in love... So how do i actually put it in words... Well i'll try..

Well i feel like a kuckoo but i'll try..

1st of all to "love" someone you got to like the complete package... by that i mean physical, mental and psychological lvl.. haha i make it sound so theoretical. Basically i think that its the physical appearance, by mental i mean like emotions wise and lastly their personality...

As for her i loved her complete package, she was everything i wanted.. hehe kuckoo in her own ways.. most of all i was happy with her and i know for a fact that most guys always look around for other girls but i think that when you're in love other girls don't matter no more.. you don't tink about cheating on her with anyone... and when you can't see yourself without her in your life and you want to be by her side 24/7... You never get tired of her and her little eccentrics cause it makes you smile and reminds you that you're in love.. =]

I'm guessing all these are just feelings that can be created by spending time with someone... or maybe i've just never met anyone that i could connect so well with on every level...

I'll just keep telling myself relationships aren't everything and i'll stick to being by myself for now.. Life in solitude seems much better... I miss my youth where noting and noone seems to matter... Wish i could just lie with her one last time and forget all the things that have kept us apart...

Well thou i have been having lots of free time on my hand, i have absolutely no idea what to do... My life is just so mundane... Would love to go soak up the sun... but no way.. its way to hot, its not like i need a tan...

So ideas on how to juice up this life of mine? well i cld go on a wild sex romp! Clearing this vow of celibacy that i've taken on, haha who am i kidding? more like not gettin any forms of sex, even the dreams have been way to dry for my liking.. Is it just me or are the hormones taking a holiday without me...

As for jobs.. Can't say that i've been off my bum looking for one, neither is there a dying need to get one.. thou the ominous signs of a depleting bank account would make it a very good point to get one... I've spent $250 already shopping... Goodness.. and all this before i even make any money...

I would say i'm not really a spendthrift but more of a miser when it comes to spending money.. i don't exactly have much rite now.. cept maybe abt $500 left?

Found this on football365. Too funny

So many of us ManUtd fans have wondered why Becks and Ruud were sold on the cheap to the only team (other than us) that can be mugged in transfers.

Well, folks the answer is here.

Look at the uncanny connection between the winners of LaLiga and the Premiership in recent years:

2001 Real Madrid-United
2002 Valencia-Arsenal
2003 Real Madrid-United
2004 Valencia-Arsenal
2005 Barca-Chelski
2006 Barca-Chelski
2007 Real Madrid-United

So, Sir Alex realized that since we somehow got paired with Real and not Barca, the only way we could win the Prem was by helping them win La Liga by giving them Ruud on the cheap (and cannily enough, add pichichi and La Liga bonuses while selling). The greatest masterplan of Sir, ever!

By the way, the scum from Merseyside would be paired with Real’s rivals Atletico, that’s why their year never comes.

Its sad to hear that you're departed this world, thou i don't know you that well. I know that you were a really friendly guy. I guess God has a plan for us all... Its scary to think that it was like just yesterday we were in secondary school playing soccer together and now i hope that you get to rest in peace dude... Maybe one day i'll see u again...

Rest in peace Hash

Life is so fragile, i guess you never know when you're next... and if you happen to read my blog this was the very reason i wanted to be with you, because life is so short and it would be great to spend it with that special person. Guess i was never really special in your eyes, i never really saw all those signs i guess i was naive to believe your words. Gd luck with your life, i'm much happier now, thou at times i can't help thinking about you but its all good... So God bless you and your family, hope everythings coming along fine in your life...

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the most of it without knowing whats going to happen next.

-Gilda Radner

Econs - C
Maths- B
Stats - B
IBM - D (worse case scenario, hope it ain;t any worse than that..)
Pbf - A(still wishing and hoping for that elusive A)


Well the exams draw to an end finally morrow.. so for now its back to study.. one last burst to the finish line.. results are gonna be kinda disappointing especially for IBM... spent so much time on it.. sigh.. One last hope for redemption lies in PBF, so wish me luck... need to get an A...!

So the much dreaded econs paper is over... and i guess a pass is quite manageable... Anyway morrow is stats and its back to expo again.. Got only 3hrs of sleep last nite.. quite tired now.. but i kinda overdosed on caffeine so can't seem to sleep, so here i am blogging... Anyway not gonna blog too much just wanna set some targets for the finals.. So hope i can acheive this or hopefully with a bit of luck better.. haha.. fingers crossed..

Goal:
Econs - C
Maths - A
Stats - A
Pbf - A
Ibm - B


Haha and yes i just remember something that happened last night while i was "mugging" it was about 3 am and i thought i had enough, so i was feeling abit hungry and i opened the fridge thinkin i would end the studyin with a light snack of whatever there was in the fridge.. and ironically guess what was the 1st thing that caught my eye...

Don't sleep shawny boy.. continue to MUG...!
MUG MUG MUG...
well until next time.. cheers...

the Gallows beckon..

Exams are coming... And as zhi Sheng would put it we'r heading to the gallows... Wish there was more time...

Anyways it seems of late that i keep having misunderstandings with this friend of mine.. i really wonder why? Now i find it really awkward but she thinks that i'm thinking too much.. i guess thats the way she handles things... Another friend of mine said we were probably enemies in our past life, thats why.. haha : ] The thing is i thought we got along really well and now all of a sudden its like quite the opposite... sigh

Its like i wanna help but sometimes i think maybe i'm too helpful and too nice to people... So maybe i should be less friendly and talk less... but our last misunderstanding talking less was the problem..
The thing is for me whenever i have any sort of argument or anything with anyone i like to clear the problem as soon as possible, but with her it doesn't matter and she thinks nothing of it.. but whereas i tend to dwell on matters.. like i think where did i go wrong..

Weds is the 1st paper and thats Econs... And i'm no where near finishing my revision.. i still need to start on my examiners reports...

In need of divine intervention...

“Do you like what you’re doing right now?”

“Do you like what you’re doing right now?”

Seems like a simple question, but it’s not so easy to reply to…

Well can’t exactly say i love what i’m doing.. But what beats being a student right? i’m still a student, but i ask myself what exactly am i studying for? for a better life.. so will getting that piece of paper give me a better life.. well that remains to be answered.. i would probably start of with a mediocre salary and then what? It’ll be day to day work and back home? Is that the life i want?

What do we really want? Doesn't everyone of us dream of being financially free? but how many of us actually take that step forward? Or are lucky enough to be blessed with looks that will get us 5 to 6 digits of endorsements every now and then... imagine getting 5 to 6 digits to do nothing but just hold that product and grace the advertisement with your mere presence... Showing that bit of cleavage to entice the male population and get their tails wagging and believing that this product will make their gfs look as good as what they're seeing.. Some people work their asses off but will probably never live to see a 6 digit amount in their savings account...

Dreams of being financially free is so much a dream right now.. hope i can make that step forward.. and not leave it as it is .. just another dream.. :]
So anyway its back to studying for me, exams coming up in 2 wks time...

Anyway thats all for now... Would like to hear what you people think so do let me know..! ciao...

sadasd

asdasda

Some guy wrote this and I thought it was worth reposting.

Dear Girls (from us guys)...
Don't assume that guys won't care where you are, because we do.
It makes us feel secure to know that our girlfriends aren't off flirting with guys we've never heard of.
Also, don't talk about your ex-boyfriends.
We never have, nor ever will respect or like them, nor do we want to hear about them.
When you do, you're asking your boyfriend to be jealous.
You're asking your boyfriend to lose trust.
On that, don't hump everything that walks into the room.
We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.
It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.
Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/ cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.
We'll stop trying to convince you.
The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
Yeah, you can quote me.
Don't be mad when we hold the door open.
Smile and say "thank you."
Let us pay for you.
Don't "feel bad."
We enjoy doing it.
It's expected.
Smile and say - everybody together now - "thank you."
Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know nobody's looking we'll be more impressed.
You don't have to get dressed up for us.
If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have, put on every kind of makeup you own.
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Don't flirt with guys when we're not around.
We'll find out. Trust us.
We have eyes everywhere.
And when we find out, we're pissed.
Not necessarily with the guys you flirted with, more-so with you.
Don't take everything we say seriously.
Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.
Don't get angry easily.
Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Don't talk about how hot Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt is in front of us.
It's boring, and we don't care.
You have girlfriends for that.
Whatever happened to the word "handsome"?
Why does everything have to be "hot/sexy"?
I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with "Hey handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy" or whatever else you can think of.
Claiming girls or guys to be "hot" shows immaturity.
Girls, I cannot stress this enough: if you aren't being treated right by a guy, don't wait for him to change.
Ditch his sorry, disgrace-to-the-male-popul
ation ass, and find someone who will treat you with utter respect.
Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.

Well its been a while since i blogged and i noe i've been a emotional wreck all these while but a friend woke me up... Thanks for the wake up call...

I figure that life is too short to be moaning about one person when theres so many others out there whom i love... Theres 2 ways you can look at it, that life's too short and that u wanna spend it with that special person or life's too short and spending your time trying to get that person back is just a pure waste of your time and even more heartache...

I've never let myself get so low before and i thought that the lowest i could go was when my dad left me... But this girl brought me to a new low, well i dunno how i let myself suckered in.. Looks like love is just an illusion that blinds you, does it really exist?

Anyways back to the advice my friend gave me.. My friend was telling me about her uncle who just got his both his legs amputated... It was like on fri he had 2 good legs and on sun he had none and found out that he had cancer and didn't have much time... See life takes a twist for the worse all of a sudden... Today i could be typing this but next week i could be dead... I guess thats life for you...

And theres this other guy whose girlfriend left him for his good friend... so he killed himself by suffocating himself with CO2 in his car... but tell me what good would that do? Killing himself only hurts his parents and his sister and he had it all gng for him... he was smart and rich...
So would his friend and ex gf feel hurt? i bet they would but are they gonna break up just because of him? well that i dunno but how long will their hurt last compared to his parents?

I would certainly not kill myself cause i know that i cannot abandon my mum... Its not an option, killing yourself, its just selfish and a stupid way of taking care of your problem... cmon be smart and theres always another way...

Don't let someone bring you down.. Even when you think that he or she may be the one for you and it turns out that you get cheated and feel like a dumbass... well i certainly feel like one.. but i feel much better now i guess, i hope...

Well take care people and treasure what you have cause you know not what tomorrow holds...

I'm begging you please....

Cause I love you still,
whether it’s right or wrong i can't feel,
And though I can’t be with you tonight,
just know that my heart is still by your side...

If i'm not made for you then why does why my heart tell me otherwise?
I just wanna crawl back into your arms, watch the stars followed by the sunrise...
Is there any chance that you'll take me back into your arms?
I'm begging you please....